Sundays in bed with…Paolo Giordano and my ex

‘The loneliness of prime numbers’ has been on my to-read list for a few years now, I think since my ex Pepijn went to the movie with Saskia. He was coming over this weekend – in the country from Sweden for the holidays – and brought me a copy (his copy?) because he felt it was ridiculous I still hadn’t read it as well. Gifts! Books! He also brought chocolate on a spoon, a mug with spoon in the handle, pepparkakor and coffee. He knows me well, still =’3 He also brought just a little bit of Glögg, which is still in the kitchen.
The mug has ‘No. 3’ on it, launching jokes about how I wasn’t important enough for a higher number and how this would be a funny gift for a tertiair partner. We already had a gag about mugs, as he once bought me and the girl he dated before me a mug with a sweater cozy, quickly dubbed ‘Ex-trophees’.

When he left I felt a bit nostalgic and melancholic, but I had a wonderful weekend before my multidisciplinary therapy at Second Care starts. They promised me would be intense and tough the first few weeks so I was planning to either get drunk, high, or something, but I did neither as I felt no need to, and had a great time without. But I burned through my serotonine and dopamine nevertheless. It’s winter, so that’s an easy task, and it was a very emotional weekend, though mostly positive.
We reminisced, talked, at some point I actually just said he turned asshole when he broke up with me, and his view of relationships was unrealistic and he agreed. It felt good that I was heard, that he understood. He also changed, which makes me feel happy and grudgingly envious simultaneously. We ate risotto, played Wii and talked some more. I gave some advice on trivial and more serious matters, he helped me with my blogs which are being moved and will undergo a make-over. I told him about what had been going on in my life and a bit about friends (Liza and Martin came over for some coffee later too!).

I texted him this morning I felt a bit bittersweet over the whole thing he suggested to just start reading the book. As a context-thing, not to relate to the book’s story. And it helps. It’s not really a cheerful book (at least when you start, I’m only at page 84/318), but as with processing those last bits of the break-up 15 months after it happening, that bitter-sweetness of just wallowing in sadness is welcome. I just had to express the fact I felt that way to the person who actually had something to do with it.
I noticed I grew a lot, I could say what was ok talk about and do with and around me, and what was not. I was able to tell what I thought of him now and in the past 15 months and I’ve now said all those things I wanted to tell them a year ago, when I was alone in bed, crying, screaming, cursing him. The things I told my friends about him. And he listened, responded and we discussed.
It’s that whole history that made us come to this point (making me stronger!) and I feel that that’s where this book is going to as well: the history may not be pretty, but it formed us in a manner that – for me at least – was a necessary step for growing into a healthy, strong person.

2 Responses

  1. Closure is a beautiful thing! My Hubs is the only one I’ve ever been truly serious about, but a big reason for that is that I was afraid to love someone and get my heart broken. I think now that sometimes we learn a lot more about ourselves when things don’t work out. It makes it so that if the right person does come along we can recognize it. Hope the rest of the book goes as well!

    • Pepijn (Pippin, actually named after Tolkien’s hobbit! BOOKNERDS <3) was the first person I really had a connection with, and that actually still remains. Call it spirit-bonding or 'always having a place in my heart', but that's what made it all the more confusing. If he didn't make a 180 when breaking up I would have easily seen us come back together, that's what made me feel so melancholic, especially since the change he made was the one I wished when we were together (goes the other way round too btw!). He was also the first I could really trust and open my heart for, so it opened a not-obvious can of worms, I felt my head tingle with that connection again. Not love, just some kind of familiar recognition.

      I'm really happy we had this closure, and I'm really grateful for this year of rediscovering myself, I was way too dependent because of the house we lived in and me being chronically ill. I needed it, being alone. And I love that synchronicity made this book fit so well ^_^ We'll still be talking and seeing each other, studying philosophy together online, and he'll move back from Sweden at the end of spring so I guess we'll meet up occasionally. It feels rather adult to be so..well, grown up about it!

      I'll let you know if the rest of the book fits!

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